Emma and Zach

1. Always wear mind protection. Forget logic, never ever ask “why”. EVER.

2. Busses always have the right of way. Especially if the driver is drunk.

3. Don’t eat out. Cooking at home will always yield better results. The food available in Panama is great, but preparation is usually fucking terrible.

4. Speak English loudly with great inunciation, if that fails, try speaking Mexican, or what the locals call “Spanish”. (*Note- this is a language that people from Spain would likely not understand). When it seems you have said something stupid or offensive, remember the principle that we live by; Plausible deniability. Locals are expecting you to be stupid anyways.

5. If you see something in a store that you like, purchase it immediately as you will never find it again.

6. Always buy ground coffee. We stupidly bought beans and after searching tirelessly for hours, were unable to find a grinder anywhere. (this by the way in the province that boasts best and most coffee farms in the country- weird right? Please see #1, the one about logic)

7. In Panama mañana does not mean tomorrow, it simply means not now. Perhaps never.

8. Terrible acts can be forgiven with different denominations of National beer (usually Balboa). For example:
If you were to mame a chicken, 1 balboa and a smile will likely smooth things over. On the other hand, accidentally killing a family’s first born child is a serious offense and would require at least 12 Balboa and perhaps a chicken or 2 for good measure. Ploughing into someones car in say, the grocery store parking lot would, depending on the car, warrant 3-8 Balboa. The number would also greatly depend on weather the owner of said car was present at the time of the infraction. *Note- partially consumed or warm Balboa should be substituted at a ratio of 2:1.

9. Always drink beer from the bottle. Some cans are labeled with the Mexican word for beer (cervesa). That is bullshit.

10. As a general rule, things in Panama cost 1/3 to 1/4 less and everything takes four times as long.

11. There are rules, but no one seems to notice.

12. Expect to be lost most of the time. There are no signs, and all directions will contain the words “mango tree”, “chicken”, “that house” or my personal favorite, “follow the yellow line on the road”. I shit you not.

13. If you are a gringo, even if your Spanish pronunciation is very good, you will not be understood by a Panamanian until a native speaker (any non gringo) says the same thing, in exactly the same way. In other words, Panamanians can not believe that gringos can speak Spanish.

14. “Gringo” is anyone who is not Panamanian. Literally translated as stranger or idiot.

15. All restaurants have the same menu. These will contain: chicken in sauce, beef in sauce and occasionally if you’re lucky, fish in sauce. All of the above are served with rice, patacones (which are disgusting) or french fries. Please see #3.

16. People are sincere in Panama. You may have noticed that the service industry (and I use the term loosely) here is terrible. This is because Panamanians sincerely resent you and are not shy about showing it. They are also sincerely always willing to accept your money, so don’t worry.

17. When choosing a taxi, be sure to look for a taxi with things like rear view mirrors, mufflers and a back seat. You can often determine the quality and longevity of a taxi by the number of Jesus or tree shaped air fresheners hanging from the rear view mirror. More than 20 is a good sign. Generally, the older the driver, the better your chances of survival.

18. Diablo Rojos. (red devils- the public bus system in Panama). They aren’t joking, if you value your life at all, they have that name for a reason, stay the fuck away from them. There are periodically stories about diablos bursting into flames and killing everyone inside. If you are a thrill seeker you might risk it, but prepare to put your life into your hands and don’t plan to survive the experience without psychological or permanent physical damage.

19. If you need to dispose of some garbage it’s simple, just drop it or stuff it into something nearby. Local favorites include; roadsides, openings in PVC pipes, cracks and crevices, a neighbors yard, the ocean, rivers and other beautiful natural landscapes.

20. Be sure to put all purchases into a plastic bag including single items as small as: 1 can of Balboa, one box of matches or a single chocolate bar. Because, despite what you may think, these bags are not used to transport your purchases, they will tear almost immediately and the wind will carry them into the air where they will be used as colorful and long lasting decorations on trees, in rivers and the oceans.

21. Banks and government offices can be quite formal and there is always an armed guard at the door to make sure you are following proper fashion protocol. Some Do’s and Dont’s:

Do’s

• Button up shirts with sleeves
• Pants or skirts below the knee
• Tasteful shoes
• Power ties
• A rudimentary knowledge of the Spanish language
• Your mechete. Preferably sheathed.

Don’ts

• Sun glasses
• Hats
• Sleeveless shirts, shorts, skirts or any other clothing appropriate for the tropical climate
• Any expectations to accomplish what you went there for

22. Nothing happens in Panama without obscenely large carbon copied receipts, and the application of many rubber stamps. In fact, many organizations hire 2 or 3 employees for the specific purpose of applying said stamps. Oddly these employees are invariably on lunch when you arrive needing their stamp.

23. Never interrupt a conversation just because you are the customer and you have been waiting 20 minutes.

24. A vehicle is not at capacity until it is making sparks from the undercarriage making contact with the asphalt as it drives down the highway.